Why I Fall Apart
by triffickie
Summary: AuronxLulu. A dead man shouldn't journey with the living. Lulu shouldn't feel this broken. (series of drabbles)
1. Why I Fall Apart

**Why I Fall Apart**

fandom: ffx   
rating: pg   
warnings: angst angst angst - what else do you ever expect from me?   
pairing: auron/lulu   
notes: for purplette, because her birthday party is tomorrow & I was supposed to write her this pairing for her birthday. Well, I'm stuck with that piece, so here's some precious angst for her instead. It's not something I'd consider my best works, but I think it works okay. 

He knew he should've departed this world to reach Farplane a long while ago. A dead man shouldn't journey with the living, but he had promised. He wanted to believe it was just his promise to Jecht and Braska that kept him there. 

For a person whose soul should've moved from his body a long time ago, he held far too strong affections for the people he travelled with. Each of them meant something to him, something he couldn't quite define. Whatever it was, it reached far too deep, stinging. 

And there was Lulu, whose eyes saw through him and even in his most natural, solid stance, he felt like a crumbling, old statue when she looked at him; it felt like she knew. Certainly she couldn't, but she looked and he felt this connection. 

He didn't wish to, but every now and then he found himself admiring her beautiful grace and her calm, collected aura. And those moments when she let her guard down and showed her soft side, he never got a share of her warm affections. A small smile in the corner of her mouth when she glanced at Wakka or a stroke on Yuna's shoulder; he slowly grew to realize she wouldn't ever feel anything but respect and admiration towards him. But he remained strong (inside as well as on the outside, he assured himself) and poised, for his own sake, for Yuna's pilgrimage's sake. 

Because dead men didn't love. 

They had no reason to adore the living, Auron tried to tell himself, beating his brain about it in the nights. And when Lulu let out one of her rare, deep laughs after Wakka had commented on Tidus' strange attire, Auron didn't hurt. It only stung him, deep into his chest. Disintegration of a thing in his chest that might be his heart. 


	2. No Right Words

**No Right Words**

auron/lulu, pg-13, for purplette (even though it's not a full fic) 

_remembering you   
fallen into my arms   
crying for the death of your heart   
you were stone white so delicate   
lost in the cold   
you were always so lost in the dark   
the cure, 'pictures of you'. _

Whereas Wakka would've stumbled with words, falling over them, not knowing what to say or how to say it, what would help, Auron knew words weren't a comfort, when all your world came down around you. Words just didn't matter when loneliness filled ou up with cold air. 

So Auron pulled Lulu closer and she breathed sadly against his coat's collar, his stern eyes not looking at her, hers carefully avoiding all eye contact with him. In that strange, comforting silence they stayed and she'd never felt so consolated, so secure. In his arms she let herself slip away, grasping his shoulders, she cried her eyes out. Silently, careful not to break that beautiful silence. 

-- 

She'd always been a black mage, but now the colour was eating her insides, her being, destroying her heart. Like a stone blown into the tiniest of pieces, one couldn't simply put it back together. Brokebrokebroken, she thought, as she watched all of them around her, some with such hope for the future (and yet none), Tidus and Yuna sharing a secret smile, some with nothing left, Kimahri with his whole tribe, his roots extinct.   
She wasn't fine, but she felt like it when she looked at Auron. It was like praying to Yevon, the prayer warming her heart and calming her mind. But there was no Yevon. No religion left to make her feel like a part of something important. All lies, and she had to comfort herself amidst all the sadness and death. The world shone in beautiful colours, but no cared, no one noticed, because everyone was just hurting so much. Everyone was just so scared. 

-- 

All this while she was the one who had to be strong and collected for the sake of Yuna, to be the wise, loyal Guardian. She felt like such a failure, keeping up that cool exterior while she was falling apart inside. 

Idly while dying in Auron's arms she thought she couldn't hear his heart beating in his chest. As if he'd already died and knew was it was like for her. To be stone cold and fragile, dead inside, afraid and lost and unloved. Or at least feel like it. 

-- 

Auron wanted to tell her, in their moments of silence and comfort and hidden pain, he really wanted to, but couldn't. Because words didn't matter. And when she was in his arms, crying, holding onto him, that was the only time she felt safe.   
So he never could. And there were no right words. 


End file.
